L(earn)ing My Value - Career Edition
Like any girl from a city in India, who grows up ambitious, I learnt very soon that churning gold in academic success is different from real life “success”. After leaving the carefully designed environment of school where homework, assignments, and term end exams defined my worth, I had ZERO clue as to what I wanted to do with my life.
Because, I discovered that I’d have to
make my own syllabus (choose the subjects to study),
set my own term end papers (set my own goals of career success),
and make my own assignments (take action to said goals).
In the last 10 years, having explored 5 different jobs - I have learnt that the answer to what I wanted to do, actually lay in an unimaginable place - my relationship with my parents.
Transitioning from a School Girl to a College Student
I spent the first 18 years of my life, vying for my parents’ validation and approval. I was busy pandering. What you appreciated, I became more of that.
I was busy being the girl everyone wanted to see. Not who I wanted to be.
So, I burnt the midnight oil, studied hard - and got into the college that was hard to get into. I proved my worth.
But when I went to college, somewhere, very very deep within my sub-consciousness - there was something. A seed, if you will. Of what? A seed of the feeling that says -
I am done! I don’t want to be a part of this game any longer!
But the other voices inside my head hadn’t left me yet. I was burnt out. But I was still the same ambitious girl. I still needed the external validation to feel good about myself. I still needed the proof of achievements and traditional financial success to feel like I matter, and I’m worthy of love. So, burnt out, I soldiered on…
Ofcourse, without any success!
Facing failures in absence of external validation
Knowing what you want to do, requires the ability to say: it’s okay; whenever you fail, at anything new you try. For me, it wasn’t okay! It wasn’t even okay to not be the highest scorer.
Love was reserved for when I met my parents’ standards. Well, it was not that we weren’t loved otherwise. But the question remained: You’re not the topper? No? Hmm. Better luck next time.
As an adult, the next time never came.
Because I was too afraid to fail.
Hence, I was too afraid to even try.
And more importantly, after seeking validation and trying to prove my worth for 18 years, I had gotten so tired, no amount of external validation seemed enough to drive me.
I worked through 4 jobs in 5 years. And each job was a remarkable failure.
Job #1 →
Role: reaching out to angel investors for raising money for startups
Stage of life: 21yo, first job out of college
Duration: 1 year
The idea of me, a 21 yo, trying to convince a 50 yo successful, rich, and ofcourse entitled man - gave me literal chills (Sales/Networking role discomfort)
Experienced workplace sexism and general disrespect for women.
Job #2 →
Role: Left a Sales heavy job (#1) for Tech Intern role at a blockchain startup (job #2)
Stage of life: 22yo, second job
Duration: ~1 year
Moved to a new city for an unpaid internship. (ik, smart move, right?)
Professional front:
Role: The needs of the startup grew from me acting as the Intern, to Product Manager, to Business Development Executive, the very thing I left behind. Sales/Networking role discomfort came back to bite my ass again.
Workplace enviroment: Struggled with establishing workplace boundaries around toxic and immature coworkers. Low self-trust, self-worth, and coping skills.
Personal front: Battled loneliness - no family or friends around + a 5 year long relationship ended, and I hated myself for not being able to move on. No self compassion.
Outcome: Got fired from theis job for not being able to sell. (duh). No surprises, right? Felt like a total failure. No clue where to go, or what to do. MBA? Didn’t feel like it. But if not MBA, then what? Well, at this rock bottom of zero financial savings, ANY job would do. Job #3 →
Role: Investment Analyst at a small VC fund.
Stage of life: 23yo, third job
Duration: ~1 year
Professional front: If I had to ONLY analyse whether the startup was worth investing, I could have still learnt that. But in the VC world, you have to first find these startups, and then do your diligence. Finding (or, as it’s popularly called - sourcing) is the most important part of the job. And yet again, I found myself a job the success of which depended on my ability to network.
Workplace environment: Struggled with establishing workplace boundaries around toxic and immature coworkers. Low self-trust, self-worth, and low patience to handle precarious situations. Realized toxicity is pervasive and requires skills to be picked up to circumvent it.
Outcome: As if it was possible, my mental health took a further dip by the end of this stint. I needed to find a place with MUCH less workplace toxicity. That was the most important goal.
Job #4 →
After 3 years of going from pillar to post in search of a nurturing, growth oriented place, and more importantly a big brand to associate my name and identity with - I finally found it. Fourth time’s a charm, eh?
Role: Research Analyst at a BIG VC fund.
Stage of life: 24yo, third job
Duration: ~2 years
Professional front:
Research role was great. Finally started picking up on networking too, even though felt like I was out of my comfort zone. And networking was THE thing needed to grow within not just the firm, but in the line of work, generally.
Positive work environment but competitive culture.
When you’re measured by your weakness, and not your strengths in a competitive environment, you can imagine the outcome.
Finally, I had everything, and yet I wasn’t satisfied. I had the BIG brand, the (mostly) non toxic work culture, I had mentors who recognised my inner critic being the biggest impediment of all, I had mentors who saw potential and pushed me. But I still didn’t feel like pushing forward.
Outcome: Realised I needed to align my career with my strengths and not weaknesses. With my interests, not my father's.
The missing piece of the puzzle
It’s been two years since my last job.
As is evident, for the better part of my adult life, I was struggling to keep my metaphorical boat afloat. Trying to get my shit together, as it were. Why was I doing things that I didn’t like, wasn’t good at, or didn’t even enjoy doing?
At the very core of each decision lay the need to be seen as successful. The need to be seen as capable. The need to be seen as worthy. The need to be accepted.
After spending these years failing terribly at everything that was expected of me, at everything that masqueraded as my dream, I realised, what I really wanted was to be accepted for doing things that I liked.
But I could never muster the strength to try the few interests that kept cropping up. Remember? Trying needs an ability to say - it’s okay! (even, and esp., when you fail)
The interests that presented themselves at different points in life were -
In college, I would feel like I didn’t belong, as I wanted to be a writer, and not a corporate hustler.
Between jobs, I considered being a psychologist and a YouTuber. Both, at different times.
But each path was either too uncharted, or too long for the traditional career milestones to begin at the age of 24, or just wouldn’t pay well or too much uncertainty around being paid at all.
So what’s Job#5?
The two things I love are: being lost in the world my head creates, and then sharing the things it creates with the world!
So I left my job in Venture Capital and moved on to having my YouTube channel. And, now my Substack Newsletter as well.
So, no-job, is job#5. :)
Are my parents happy with this?
They were petrified when I was leaving my Job#4. They tried so much to not let me leave it. And, 2 years later, now that I have a paltry number of videos and articles on my YouTube channel and a Substack Newsletter - it’s obviously not something they are able to show support for.
They’re unable to even tell someone else what I do. They’d rather tell others about my past jobs, than my present work.
But, as I have grown up, I have realised, I have to become the parent who can give myself the validation I sought from them, especially because they can’t.
And it’s not their fault. They don’t get this kind of work. Neither do they get that support precedes success. Because success doesn’t require support. Failures do.
In the last two years, I learnt & did many things. And simultaneously, went through some personal struggles which also affected my productivity immensely.
I started with making some Instagram reels.
Then, I made some YouTube videos.
And then, life came to a halt as I met with an accident.
Then, through recovery, I started writing some Substack articles.
Has the need for external validation left me yet?
Choosing social media as the career to get rid of external validation was the worst of decisions and the best of decisions.
The platforms naturally force you to see your worth based on views, plays, likes and comments and follows.
After the initial breakdown (breakdown #1) of not getting to the numbers I’d wanted, I recognised the importance of not attaching importance to the outcome, but to the inputs.
After the accident when I couldn’t do much for really long periods of time, then came breakdown #2. This breakdown went on for 6 months. The inability to produce videos at the rate I’d like really made me question my worth. Not getting desired outputs, is one level of lack of control. Not being able to even do anything because all time went towards recovery, or crying about lack of recovery, or crying about how long each video takes as I work on each one; I realised I had no control over inputs either. Everything goes at its own pace.
So social media exaggerated my need and showed me the mirror that I so desperately needed to see.
And as that happened, I learnt to stop seeing myself as a loser, and an unproductive worthless human. I urged myself to stop measuring my worth in terms of work done. I reminded myself that I don’t need to DO something to be valuable. My worth is unrelated to the work I do. Or the output I produce. Or the success or failure I achieve. And when I understood that, that’s when I realised I didn’t need to earn my value. I only needed to learn my value.
I am not just a YouTuber. Or a Writer. Or an editor. I am also a sister, a wife, a daughter. I am a hiker, a reader, an amateur singer, an amateur body builder, a painter… and the list goes on. There’s so much more to me than the one thing that I chose to make money out of.
So I decided, I’ll be a life long learner. A life long learner of things, skills, and activities, but most importantly - a life long learner of my value.