Do THIS to Resolve Inter-Personal Conflicts!

Tried and Tested Communication Tips for Personal Relationships

Dec 03, 2023

Meera: You never come back home on time. You’re always just hanging out with your friends.
Vaibhav: Last Sunday I was home all the time. Why do you never acknowledge what I do?
Meera: So you think ONE Sunday is enough for you to get away with your absence every other day?

A flowy, sketch-like illustration of a couple in a heated argument, drawn with soft lines and a raw art style. The characters have no strong ethnic features, making their ethnicity vague. The woman is standing with her arms crossed, showing frustration, while the man is sitting on a sofa, gesturing defensively. The living room setting includes a couch, coffee table, and indoor plants, all depicted in a fluid, sketchy style. The characters are in their late twenties, dressed in casual home attire, and drawn with an emphasis on soft, flowing lines.

Why did this happen?

Step 1: Attack/Blame
- Meera felt unloved and unimportant. But her vulnerability was masked by anger. Which felt like an attack to Vaibhav. “You always…” “You never…”
Step 2 : Defend
- Vaibhav feels he’s never good enough for Meera. His vulnerability was masked by defensiveness. “Last Sunday I was home all the time.”
Step 3: Both feel hurt and unheard
- Meera feels unheard, and invalidated, and like her feelings don’t matter. Vaibhav feels wrongfully accused, despite him trying hard to be better.
Step 4: Vicious cycle continues
- Blaming and defending continue. Neither of them understand, why the other person didn’t understand their feelings.

How to not fall into this vicious cycle?

Choose to Communicate Over Bottling up of Emotions

Bottling up emotions - when you feel uncomfortable voicing your feelings, you might keep it to yourself. Your reason could be any - you’re unsure of what to say, or you don’t think you’ll be heard.
Building Resentment - Acting contrary to one's feelings, like feigning niceness after being hurt, fosters resentment.
Lack of communication impacts the relationship’s longevity and happiness - Resentment will show up in passive aggressive remarks, or withheld affection, and distance. If you want this relationship to work - you need to communicate.

An illustration in a soft, flowy art style of a man and a woman indoors, facing away from each other with a clear gap between them. They appear upset and angry, with body language that suggests a lack of communication and tension. The room is furnished modestly with a couple of chairs and a plant, evoking a domestic setting. The ethnicity of the man and woman is ambiguous and not well-defined, with the intent of being relatable to a wide audience. The artwork should be landscape orientation.

Give a Chance (and Be Curious) vs Making Assumptions

It’s impossible to think that someone who hurt us, could be a good person.

Meera might say:

“Does he really not see that his actions hurt me? Especially when he prioritizes his friends and work over his family, almost everyday!!”

Wouldn’t you too find it hard to assume that Vaibhav still has good intentions? That Vaibhav, despite making this mistake, might still deserve a chance?

The truth is - we don’t know Vaibhav’s side of the story yet. And, we’ll never really know unless Meera tells him how she feels. In other words, let’s be curious.

Replace Blame with Vulnerability

Communicate what hurts you, by being vulnerable. For example:

Meera: Whenever you come late from work, or after hanging out with your friends - I feel like I’m not a priority for you. Could you please talk to me about this? I would like to know whether that’s the case or not... I’m open to hearing what your perspective is.

Meera didn’t attack Vaibhav. She focused on how she feels when Vaibhav does X. To do this - she focused on using “I” statement, rather than “You” statements.

She also offered to hear Vaibhav’s perspective.

An illustration in a flowy, sketch-like art style with soft lines and muted colors, similar to the provided reference. It depicts a conversation between two characters, Meera and Vaibhav, with no strong ethnic features to maintain ambiguity. Meera appears emotionally open and vulnerable, possibly with a tear on her cheek, while Vaibhav is attentively listening. The setting is casual and warm, with houseplants and a cozy sofa, evoking a safe, intimate atmosphere for sharing feelings.

But when I’m really angry - it gets difficult to, well…not be…angry

Take a break.

Ideally, before you say something.

But especially, after you’ve said something, and it hasn’t gone well.

Take a break, and re-evaluate.

Can I be vulnerable? Can I tell them my true feelings? Try. Your partner needs a chance. Your vulnerability and honesty is how you give them a chance to validate your feelings, and apologize, and maybe even make it up to you, and do better in the future.

“I shouldn’t have yelled, and blamed like that. The truth is, I feel unheard and invalidated (or unimportant, unloved, like I don’t matter…etc.)…when you do XYZ”
“I feel disrespected when I’ve stated my concerns and you dismiss them.”

Replace Defensiveness with Validation of Feelings

When you’ve been dealt with what Vaibhav faced, you’d defend too! And you might say something like -

“You’re being too sensitive/negative”
“You do the same thing”
“Why do you always have an issue with something”
“That wasn’t my intention”
“I was also feeling this”

Here’s how you can do better when you’re being attacked -

A landscape-oriented illustration in a flowy, sketch-like art style with soft lines and muted colors, showing Vaibhav and Meera indoors. They both have ambiguous ethnic features. They are seated close to each other, with open body language and vulnerable expressions, sharing a deeply emotional moment. Their surroundings should include indoor elements like a couch, a coffee table, and perhaps a bookshelf, creating a personal and intimate environment.

It can be hard to respond to an attack with calmness. And you don’t need to. At least not immediately. State your concern as follows, and take a break. Reflect.

“Let’s both please try not to raise our voices.”
“I feel scared/disrespected/frozen when you raise your voice and yell.”
“Let’s not discuss past issues please? I know it’s important to discuss those too. But for now - can we please address this one, only? We’ll get to those after this, definitely.”

And, once you’ve both taken a break - How can you validate?

Vaibhav could say:

I’m sorry I’ve made you feel this way. You are my top most priority. Without a doubt. Work has not only been a lot these past few weeks, since I’m running for promotion, but it also gets emotionally draining. And I think I’ve been trying to numb that by going out and drinking. It’s not what you deserve. I should have talked to you. It would have helped me feel better sooner.

Vaibhav apologized for being the source of Meera’s hurt.
Took ownership of his actions.
Recognized what he could have done differently to avoid this in the first place

To which, Meera might say:

Oh…I didn’t know you were going through so much turbulence emotionally. If I’d known, I would choose my words more carefully. I’m sorry I blamed you like that, even though your absence has definitely been hurtful and saddening. I hope we can find a way to solve for both of us.

Now both are feeling heard, and validated. It makes them both more open to hear another person’s perspective.

Replace Silence with Vulnerability

Conflict can be really overwhelming for some of us. Even though we may look calm on the outside (i.e. not shouting, not crying, no expressions on the face), but there’s a plethora of physiological responses happening inside the body when we’re in conflict.

A landscape-oriented illustration in a flowy, sketch-like art style with soft lines and muted colors, set indoors. It features a couple with ambiguous ethnic features. The man appears distant and has stopped talking, his gaze averted, embodying a withdrawn posture. The woman is restless, her body language indicating unease and concern, perhaps pacing or fidgeting. The indoor setting includes a couch, a lamp, and other homey details, contrasting the emotional distance between them.

To deal with that, we shut down. We do that because we feel -

“I’m always bad. I am never good enough.”
“There’s nothing I can do. So let me just sit silently.”
“Anything I do will be met with more dissatisfaction. I can’t give you what you want.”
“It’s uncomfortable to sit with pain.”
“I’ve shut down. I can’t process what’s going on.”
“I’m keeping myself safe, by detaching.”
“I don’t know how to be vulnerable.”
“If I don’t say something perfect, it’ll worsen things. Perfection is the only thing that will work. And I am far from it.”

What does silence feel like to your partner?

“I don’t exist”
“I’m not a priority. I don’t matter.”
“I don’t deserve love.”

Replace Silence with Vulnerability

“I feel afraid I will not be able to solve this problem. But I really want to.”
“I feel like shutting down. I’m trying not to. It’s getting really overwhelming.”

Take a Break

Being emotionally disregulated makes it harder to respond with calmness. That’s why, a break is a must whenever things start heating up.

A landscape-oriented illustration in the same art style as the provided reference, with soft lines, muted colors, and a hand-drawn feel, set indoors. The image depicts a man and a woman with ambiguous ethnic features, each in their own space within a home environment, trying to take deep breaths and regulate their emotions. The man might be sitting on a chair or leaning against a wall, eyes closed, taking a deep breath. The woman could be in a different part of the room, standing by a window or sitting at a table, also focusing on her breathing. The overall atmosphere is one of calm and tranquility, with a focus on self-soothing and emotional regulation.

Take a break
- “I love you. I don’t want us to fight. Can we take a break please?”
- “This is starting to get heated. We should take a pause.”
- “I don’t want to yell, and I can feel myself starting to get angry”
- “I need space right now. Could you please leave the room to me?”
- “It’s overwhelming. But I want to say something. Can we take some time off and get back to this topic in half an hour?”

Regulate yourself - take a few deep breaths, feeling your heart rate come down to a normal. Until that happens, keep taking deep breaths.
Avoid numbing activities - Eating food, watching a movie, internet scrolling

A landscape-oriented illustration in a style that matches the reference image provided, with soft lines, muted colors, and a hand-drawn feel, set indoors. The image depicts a man and a woman with ambiguous ethnic features, each in their own space within a home environment, separately engaged in the act of journaling. The man might be sitting at a desk with a journal open in front of him, pen in hand. The woman could be in a different part of the room, reclining in a cozy chair or by a window with her journal. The setting is peaceful and introspective, with indoor elements like a bookshelf, a lamp, and houseplants.

Once you’re feeling calmer, ask yourself:
- “Why did I feel this way?” (Don’t stop at “I didn’t like XYZ”. Ask why you didn’t.)
- “What hurt me?”
- “What are my fears?”
- “Why am I avoiding this conversation?”
- “Did I feel like I don’t matter to this person?”
- “Did this person make me feel small in some way?”
- “Am I scared of this person?”
- “What is the other person seeking from me? What is hurting them?”
- “Can I communicate my feelings to my partner in such a way that they can listen to me patiently without feeling attacked?”

Put Words to Your Urges

“My entire body feels like it can explode if I don’t shout. I feel so restless. I need to do something to not feel so anxious. If I can’t shout, I might just sob powerlessly, and crumble.”
“I want you to see me as a good person. It’s hard for me to face that I did something you didn’t like. It makes me feel like I’m bad. And, I’m trying really hard to be not that person.”
“I feel the urge to criticize you right now. I’m unable to see how this is not your fault. But I want your help in making me see that. I don’t want us to get stuck in the vicious cycle.”
“What you’re saying feels unfair, honestly. I feel the urge to just zone out, stop responding. However, I don’t wanna do that. I know it hurts you. Could you help me see what I’m missing?”

Replace Judgement, Attacks and Silence with Empathy

Every conflict is a matter of perspectives.

It’s important to feel heard.

It’s also important to hear.

Show curiosity to understand the other person’s perspective.

Vaibhav might say:

I know my inability to talk to you about this has impacted you negatively. I want to hear more about how it has made you feel. I’m sorry I defended myself. It’s important to me that you see me as a good person. But I understand you feel hurt, nonetheless.

Meera could say:

Even though I have felt disconnected with you ever since you’ve isolated from me, I would still like to know how it’s been like for you - with work. I want you to share your feelings with me. I want to make you feel heard.

Ownership of Mistakes

We always have reasons for why we do something. It’s important to explain those reasons. That’ll help our partner/friend see us more. But it’s also important to own our mistakes.

Expressing Regret: “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
Accepting Responsibility: “It was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Restitution: “I know this has hurt you. How can I make it up to you?”
Changes in the future: “I want to change my ways. Can we think of ways how I don’t do this in the future?”

To Sum it Up

There are no perfect relationships. What’s important is to be with partners who want to grow with us. Besides intention to grow and improve, good communication skills are the single most effective way to resolve conflicts.

Intention may not be present in both the parties simultaneously. It may require a nudge. Your side of the work is individual though. It can happen regardless of your partner’s intention. And it may prove to be the nudge that your partner and relationship needs!

I’ve used these tips and they worked for me. I’d be happy to see if they work for you too!

Landscape illustration of a man and a woman in a softly lit living room, both standing and smiling at each other with a gentle and caring demeanor. They are offering each other supportive gestures like a soft touch on the arm and open, welcoming body language. The art style is flowy and expressive, with dynamic lines and a warm, muted color scheme that suggests a serene atmosphere. Surrounding them are tasteful home decorations, comfortable furniture, and potted plants, all drawn with an emphasis on fluidity and grace.

Disclaimer

These steps are not applicable to someone who’s tried communicating in a healthy way - but is met with either silent treatment abuse or verbal abuse; or any other form of chronic serious relationship issues.

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